The 5 Best Pieces of Advice I Received When I Changed My Life Overnight

This advice columnist changed my opinion on the business of giving advice.

I hefted the powdery bag of cat litter onto my friend’s white Brooklyn kitchen floor. This was one of the last of my errands in New York before moving to Paris. I was setting my sweet-baby-Nala up for homestead adventures until I settled into my French life and could come back for her.

As I hugged my friend goodbye and thanked her for watching my cat, she pressed a book into my hands — I think this will bring comfort in this big time of transition. 

I cracked open the cover on the plane. 

Tiny Beautiful Things, Advice on Love and Life From Dear Sugar, by Cheryl Strayed is a collection from the advice column, Dear Sugar.

Over the course of the last few weeks, this book has been trotted around all of Paris. Held one-handed on a crowded metro car, splayed in the winter sun over a glass of wine, and read aloud before bed.

One of the things that I love the most about reading and storytelling is the invitation into somebody else’s minuscule little problems (not to diminish the problems themselves, as I, too, have spent sleepless nights staring at my then-boyfriend asleep next to me whom I loved but who I also didn’t see a future with and agonized over what to do. I, too, have carried the weight of how to have a healthy relationship with a loved one who is an alcoholic. I, too, have agonized over “what’s next” or “what do I do.”) 

What I mean to say is, I love reading people’s stories as it opens a window into somebody else’s world only to reveal that there are some core fears, feelings and experiences that are just plain human nature. We’ve all been there.

In Cheryl Strayed words, “I’ve never been in a humiliating situation when I wasn’t shocked by all the “normal” people who were also in the very same humiliating position. Humans are beautifully imperfect and complex.”

These letters to the author asking for advice and letters in response have brought me an abundance of solace, inspiration and comfort. It’s sparked some reflection in me, and I find myself considering some of the best that I’ve been given as of late. 

So, here it is. Words and perspectives that have been slipped to me on phone calls and text messages that feel universally meaningful.

Maybe they’ll spark something in you.

The best advice I've received lately:

YOU HAVE TO EMBRACE IT. 

There’s something about just going all in. 

Even if you don’t know where it’s leading. 

Even if you’re not entirely sure if it’s “for you.”

Even if you’re scared.

Even if you wonder what could be if you went a different direction. 

You have to embrace it, fully. 

If we don’t fully embrace something, if we keep one foot on the edge of the dock while the other trails cautiously through the water, we’re not giving ourselves the opportunity (yes, the opportunity) to experience something in it’s full, maybe-this-is-the-best-thing-that’s-ever-happened-to-you entirety. 

By keeping one foot in and one foot out, we might have the illusion of safety and control (if I don’t like it at least I didn’t fully commit!), but we’re mostly just holding back and causing quite a big of internal turmoil along the way. 

And is that really living life, fully? 

I think of summers spent at my grandparent’s house on a small residential lake in Washington. My cousins and I spent lovely warm days running from hot tub to lake, licking ice cream off our sticky fingers and wobbling on various floating toys as we competed in our ability to walk on water. I also remember the constant, terrifying threat of my older boy cousins coming out of nowhere to push you in off the dock.

It was awful.

The force of their mid-puberty strength and the realization that you hesitated just a second too long gazing into the waters, the frantic grabbing at air for something to hold on to - where’s mom?? - and finally the water rushing into your nose and mouth to surface spluttering and squealing at the unfairness of it all. 

Maybe that’s a rather dramatic metaphor for the “all in” approach, but when you’re pansying around the edge of something, you leave yourself susceptible to who knows what - internal and external suffering.  

So, embrace it.

Commit fully.

Make a decision and go forward.

Don’t look back. 

Something new and unexpected throwing a wrench in your 5-year plan?

Embrace it. 

It just might be the best thing that ever happened to you. 

But you won’t know unless you just go for it,

All in.

And trust that if it turns out to not be for you, you’ll know what to do next (see the below note on TRUST.)

HAVE PATIENCE FOR YOUR LIFE.

Ugh. 

I’ll say that again - have patience for your life.

Life is unfolding, in real time.

You are actively creating your life now, in this moment. In every moment. 

I saw an IG post the other day saying “My 5-year plan is to have a good day.”

Presence is the path of least resistance.

Your only task is to stay engaged. Make conscious choices. Keep an open mind. See challenges as opportunities, see roadblocks as possibilities, let go and let it flow. 

It is all unfolding.

Have patience. 

YOU’LL KNOW WHEN YOU KNOW.

You’ll know when you know.

If you don’t know yet, maybe it’s just not time to make a decision. 

(see above note on PATIENCE.) 

YOU DON’T HAVE TO EXPLAIN WHAT YOU PLAN TO DO WITH YOUR LIFE. 

You don’t have to justify anything. 

You don’t have to justify your education by demonstrating financial rewards or a “good” job. 

You don’t have to justify taking a pottery class by starting an Etsy account. A passion can just be a passion without it being a passion project. 

You don’t have to have a plan. And if you have a plan, you don’t have to share it. Or follow it for that matter. 

You don’t have to explain “why.”

You don’t have to make other people feel comfortable, happy or at peace with your decisions.

TRUST YOURSELF. 

Trusting yourself means living and putting action behind what you already know to be true. 

Trust your gut instinct. (It’s usually right)

Trust your timing. (It might be for the best)

Trust your dreams. (They’re yours for a reason)

Trust your capabilities. (You know you can do it)

Trust your wisdom. (You really do know what’s best for you)

Trust your body. (It never lies)

Trust yourself. (You’ll know what to do)

My therapist once said to me, “I’m not in the business of giving advice.” That’s always stayed with me.

I think about that going into every coaching session. I’m also not in the business of giving advice. I dont’ know what’s best for my clients - only they know what’s best for them. I’m in the business of empowering people with tools and resources to get clarity on what they want and solidify the confidence to boldly create their own, deliciously unique life.

But I can confidently tell you that if you embrace your path, have patience as it unfolds, trust in the timing, stay true to your vision and ferociously trust yourself, you’re going to have a wildly fulfilling kick-ass fun life.

So glad to have you here on this journey.

xx

Selena

Have a friend who would love this community? Share OnPurpose with them!